As my car crunched down the gravel drive, I realised that this must be the thousandth hotel I’ve inspected and so far it’s just like any other; it’s just in the middle of nowhere and with some fancy drive…. great.
It had been a beautiful summers’ day as well and I’d got to spend it driving through countless traffic clogged, pasty free hell holes with names like Dexbrook and Skegness- seriously now Skegness is a Scottish name why can’t we just let them have it!? So, anyway, I was bored and just wanted to three star this place off before getting back to my comfy (not to mention germ free) bed. I truly did hate this job with a passion and when the hotel did finally come into view it did absolutely zilch to try and convince me I shouldn’t hand in my notice the moment I got back.
The first thing I noticed about it was the sheer force of ugly it threw at me. It was ridiculously ‘in-your-face’ and in the worst possible way. A place so hideous that it could only be described a scar (and not the cool type) on the stunning Cornish countryside – however boring it may be.
The colour scheme was the thing that first managed to throw me as, instead of being the general milky white or at least metallic silver; it was simply some sort of murky brown. It was like no one could be bothered with cleaning it after taking it for a casual drive around the average rally circuit. It was horrible. Then there was the way it was so oddly misshapen. None of it was the same height and despite it not being huge the only way I could imagine it being built was if a few giants had started throwing rocks about and these had by chance happened to fall together.
As I began to step out of my car the first good thing about this place hit me, and it wasn’t Richard Hammond in a drag car. I was expecting a good old ‘smell of the countryside’ but instead, strangely, smelt the slight scent of baking bread in the air. Maybe this place wouldn’t be too bad, after all ne never judge a book by its cover.
The smell slowly began to drag me along. I was in some sort of weird trance and despite not knowing what was going on I felt suddenly like everything was right in the world and maybe I was the one with the problem, not my job. It was nice. Suddenly though, bang! Ouch I’d some how managed to walk into a door, it hurt and I was now totally confused, I couldn’t even remember why I was here next to these big green doors so I decided to walk through them. I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Whoa! A giant green-carpeted hall greeted me. It was a place that looked like it was trying to be majestic and magnificent but just succeeded in being wonderfully weird, I liked it. For a start it was just too green, like one giant leaf with a giant mirror and chandelier. Then as my eyes skimmed around I saw a desk and my memory came darting back, I was meant to be inspecting this hotel. Geese this wouldn’t be the easiest report to write up.
I wandered over towards the desk and was greeted by a small man in his late fifties that looked like he could have been sat in the same place all of his life. He had chunky glasses on and was reading some sort of daily paper, which from first glances looked like the South-westerly version of the ‘Sun’, interesting. I coughed loudly to get the man’s attention and he jumped up startled before giving me the dirtiest look I’ve ever encountered before coldly asking what I wanted. That’s one down for staff friendliness.
Then after clearing up that I was here for a room, the man began to lead me to my room. The craziness started to calm down a bit now, just good old casual wooden floors and simple wallpapered walls. In a weird way I was disappointed, I’d like all the mentalness it was new and exciting.
That was until I passed one room my stomach just dropped. I stopped suddenly looked around and couldn’t see anything different with the rest of the hotel, I’d have to come back to that later when I wasn’t tired and in starved for a bed and TV.
When finally, after what seemed like a decades of walking to my room I closed the door took my bag, chucked it onto the nearest chair and jumped into bed. I took a quick look around. It was the biggest room but seemed like it would do. I think that the best word to describe it would be cosy with a few neat (yes I can casually use thirties lingo) touches such as something that looked like a foot massager (should be fun) and a mini bar that said it was free, awesome! Anyway, I was tired and slowly drifted off into a decent sleep.
I woke up dazed, I’d had a strange nights sleep with dreams varying from something that I think had a donkey wearing some sort of poncho in to something totally psychedelic with all the crazy colours and flowers, mental. This place was scary but still managed to have a good feel about but I wondered if I could really 5 star it on the basis of having a good feel about it, I’d sleep on it again tomorrow.
I got up, showered, shaved and began to stumble down to breakfast. When I got there the breakfast room didn’t look to massive but was filling up with people that didn’t look they were on holiday but in some sort of dream world, at least I wasn’t the only person this place affected. I went over to the self service and shoved some bacon and a few sausages on to my plate that looked average at best but what you gonna do? No where’s that perfect.
I sat down at a table the hall looked like it could have been from the Victorian era with giant glass windows and an oversized, arching, stone roof. I shoveled down my breakfast before pondering what to do with the rest o my day, I couldn’t just slump round the hotel the whole time so thought I’d go back to my room and look at a few leaflets I’d been given for the area.
I was wondering along a corridor when that feeling hit me again from the other night. My stomach just slouched and I felt a mixture of sheer panic and joy. There was a door to my right so I decided to knock, see if there was anyone in with the same strange feeling or whether it was just me. I knocked but got no answer despite hearing music, Beethoven I think. I decided to knock again, still no answer, no shout, nothing. I pushed the door and surprisingly it creaked open. Panic struck me. What had I just done? What was I opening? Then I see it, some sort of blurred swirly mess. I’m confused as the floor starts to shake. I half scream but it’s too late as there’s a sort of sucking motion and the last thing I hear is something that faintly resembled a crackling siren…