Thick, dark grey clouds, blocking the only source of light that kept me safe, obscured the clear blue sky. Distant trees in the fields were bereft and sterile, a bitter reminder of my surroundings. Clothes were no protection against the relentless winds that punished my body with icy hands. Scratchy particles of dry leaves found and lay to waste the oasis of my eyes; advertising my vulnerability to those who took cruel interest. My appearance, like my thin prison uniform betrayed everything about me; my youth (many preferred young boys) and my weakness.
Voices jeered my name, rough hands tattooed with birds pointed and yet the yard lacked noise or movement. Still I felt it. Anger, frustration, aggression, lust directed through pairs of mean, dark caves.
Every night I dreaded going to my cell, the area I slept in makes my lungs feel tight and my soul dull. The four walls that enveloped me are so murky and monotonous like the thick dark grey clouds outside. There is no escaping this after the warden shuts that broad metal door on me, his face just as hard and cold. When I hear the sound of the door locking a feeling of fear rushes through my body, knowing that I am stuck in here all night in the dark with no light to save me. Light can hardly enter my room, a small window with thick metal bars going across it above my bed, letting no light enter only causing a dark shadow above my head. The four walls are so slender I can hear the other prisoners talking to themselves; I can never forget where I am.
Of the seven hours I get to dream at night, the time where I should feel impregnable, I have ghastly nightmares. I visit the same situation every night and it hurts me like crazy. Despite shooting him dead, its like he is still there to get my family and me. Actually I’m “frozen” in there, not being able to do anything to defend myself. I hear his scream, I hear his laugh, and the man just won’t disappear. Never do I feel I’ll be able to erase that image and that feeling from my soul. I have difficulty sleeping when the sky is black and blue, moving my legs side to side. I felt him touch me, the pain came in a rush, my leg muscles cramping, and chest heaving as my stomach tied in knots.
Waking up every morning in trepidation, but in contrast shivering in coldness inside of me. Every night I hear his laugh, the sound passes through these thin concrete walls dark and deeper into my soul and it feels like they are now locked in there. I am not a evil person, I am a loyal son who wanted his mother to be at rest. That man would never give her tranquillity. Now, I sit all alone on the hard surface of the cell floor, my mind, my mind wondering back and fourth on a cloudy road between delusion and nightmare.
Other men here are just the same, their eyes are so dark and droopy with tears running out. Most of them are so lifeless. Some of the men who are in their small gangs just staring at me, giving me hatred look. Keeping away from them is the hardest, they are everywhere. Till this day they haven’t done anything to me but I constantly feel they are after me. That horrible look I get just speeds up my heartbeat, and it feels like they want to get me and kill me forever, their moist horrible eyes tell me everything.
Will there ever e a time where I will be free from those kinds of creature. Now that my step dad has gone, these lifeless men are constantly around me, some of which would like to get me. I hate this cell, I am sick of the world I’m living in. I pray to god everyday to get me out of this life. I am losing my will power, that is the only thing inside of me that keeps me surviving. What am I going to do for the next fifteen years, I feel as oxygen is running out and I cannot breathe. This place, the people here are all making me fragile. I feel that anytime now I will just crumble into pieces.
Everyday I pray to god for light to pass through that corner window and for it to erase the ghastly nightmares I have so I stop waking up in trepidation. I hope for these illustrations that cross my mind every night to be conquered forever. I wait to open my eyes and find light shining on me forever to keep me impregnable. Everyday, every minute I wonder what my life would be like free of darkness and noisiness that makes my throat soar and my eyes strain. I wonder will this man ever be able to open his eyes somewhere he is not contemplated twenty -four hours a day. Momentously is to vision my mothers smile again, that’s my dream to see her once again full of exhilaration…