I look nice this morning. I picked

I can still hear the laughter in my head and feel the humiliation crawling up my body onto my face. I thought to myself what did I do wrong this time, was it my hair, or my clothes, or my makeup? I walked in the gates that day feeling confident, I wasn’t going to let anyone tear me down. My first few steps were small and little by little my head began to rise, my back was straight and my hopes were high. I saw the boy across the courtyard and began to feel my face heating up and turning bright red. When he looked over I got nervous and tripped over a wire running along the concrete. His group of friends began to laugh at me as they all saw what has happened. Embarrassed on the floor, I began to pick up all my books and put them back into my bag. I told myself in my head that I would not look at the group to see what they were doing. When I stood up I found myself face to face with the group of boys. I knew that it was too late to run away and try to ignore them, but I thought to myself, I tried to look nice this morning. I picked out my grey dress with my matching nice white shoes, I did my hair, I put on makeup, they have nothing to make fun of me about this time. Maybe they just came over to see if I was okay this time. The boy with the green eyes looked as if he was looking at an animal in the zoo, studying my face and body, I knew that the comments were soon to follow after. The first one said “I see you wore a dress today”, then I heard, “too bad you’re too fat for it.” Then another one comes out and says, “You’re worthless.” “Why were you brought into this world,” and the last one exclaimed, “you should kill yourself.” I started to feel the tears streaming down my face as I ran to the bathroom. I collapsed on the floor trying to grasp the crisp air. I could feel the laughter pulling on my heart trying to make me come back out. All I could think about was how I could be better. How I could make myself be like the pretty girls. My immediate thought went to a story my friend told me about how a girl makes herself throw up to be skinnier. It made sense to me, why wouldn’t that work? I remembered her saying she would stick her hand in her mouth to make it work, so I decided to try it. I looked to make sure no one else was in the bathroom, and then I went in. I tried to give myself reasons why I should not do this. Would God be proud? What would my parents think? What if someone walks in? Should I just do what the boys say and just kill myself? But the faces of the boys and the laughter would overpower all my thoughts and before I knew it I had my hand in my mouth. Someone begins to notice that something was different with me the next morning at church. I was hoping that no one would figure out what I have been doing. I knew in my heart that I was doing something unhealthy and that I needed to stop soon, the thing is I had no idea where to even start. My first idea was to tell my mom, but then I concluded that she would make too big of a deal about it. My next reaction was to go to God about it. I struggled with finding God. I had no hope in anything, I thought that there was no way God would want me after what I have been doing to myself. I have been told that everything that God has made is beautiful, and I knew God made me so it did not make sense because I did not feel beautiful and could not believe what I had been doing to myself. I was destroying my body. I was destroying God’s creation. I was destroying myself as a person. I knew then that God wanted me to change, so for once in my life I was going to try to listen to what I believe God wants me to do.I began to think to myself how I even allowed any of this to happen to me? Where did it all go wrong? After hours of sitting in my room replaying all the bad events that have happened in my life over the past few years I realized that whenever I would let someone else’s opinion about myself define who I am, I was not finding or defining myself in Christ. God’s plan is so much higher than mine and He created everything in this world as a masterpiece, which meant that I was one of His beautiful masterpieces as well. I decided in that moment that I have let myself go to the complete pits of hell all within the past 24 hours and that I was no longer going to let satan rule over my life. I spent time with the Lord and asked Him to give me wisdom and knowledge about how powerful He is. I wanted to feel confident again and I knew the only way I was going to be able to do that again was if I was seeing myself as a reflection of Christ. The thing is: sometimes life sucks and does not go your way. There is nothing you can do because you cannot control how people act or what people say. The only thing you can do is stay strong and ignore what people say. Realizing that God values me more than anything was one of my biggest turning points. I am one of His children and my parents have done a great job at showing me what love looks like from a parent and connecting that with God as my father I knew He loved me more than anyone else ever would. I know that God is on my side in everything I go through. Making myself throw up or changing who I am is not going to make me any happier or feel better about myself. The way to do that is by surrounding myself with positive people in my life. I am blessed to have amazing people in my life now. Even though I might not have a big group of friends like I used to, I still have two amazing friends who are real and do not judge me and are positive influences in my life. Even when bad things come around, God does not allow anything to happen if it cannot bring Him some sort of glory.


I'm James!

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