I even though the world still revolves.

I have dreams and goals that seem unrealistic but what do I have to lose by dreaming about a day when the moon will once again follow us home. That we would move out of this town where people do the same thing day after day and pretend that it’s okay, that this is all they could ever be. I dreamt that we would work side by side until we were grey and go on vacations while we were fragile. Yet all I’m doing now is watching from the sidelines as life goes on, never really involved even though the world still revolves. I’m just standing here. Still. There has got to be more to life. I want to make new memories although in my happiest memories we will be young forever, always full of hopes and dreams about the future together. In those memories, I would write down every last detail because I wanted to remember the time when my life was the definition of perfect. In those memories I danced with you until the moon that followed us home was replaced by the dull glow of the early morning and we laughed each day away. There was never a dull moment when I was by your side. We were so in love. I was full because of you and now you’re gone and I’m empty. Empty because I guess I was wrong, maybe you only loved the idea of being in love with me because you never did love me like I loved you. In those memories the all the poetry was about love and happiness and now it is about clawing my way out of my thought. Back to a moment before you were gone. I still remember the day we met. I know it was in a class, I’m not sure which, I was focused on something more important. I knew I was in trouble the moment you walked in the room, I got so distracted by you. I was drawn to you like a moth to a flame. The teacher was introducing you to the class and I remember I didn’t even know your name until the next class when you sat in the seat next to mine. The teachers voice was just background music, a dull murmur as I was completely and totally captivated by you. I got stuck on you. I was stuck on the way that your hair that was the colour of the leaves as they fell from the trees on a sunny autumn afternoon fell in perfect curls down your back or your gorgeous sky blue eyes that I could so easily get lost in. The thing that truly caught me was your smile. The way that the corners of your lips curled upwards exposing your pearly white teeth and the slight dimples that appeared on your cheeks. You were the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. Your smile could’ve brightened the darkest of rooms and cheered up someone having one of the worst days of their lives. You looked so confident up there smiling the brightest of smiles and I knew there and then that I had to get to know you. That one day I wanted to be able to tell you that you were my entire world, my sun, my moon and all my stars. To dance with you until the moon was replaced by the early morning sun, I wanted to be your shoulder to cry on and to experience the world with you by my side.  The day I remember best is the day I’d like to forget more than the rest. The day the subject of my poetry changed from love to trying to recover from losing love. Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever went through but I only did what I had to do. We were together for 10 years and we made the bets memories over that time. Like the time we went travelling together over Summer or when we had a moonlit picnic on the pier in my hometown and you gave me a promise ring. You told me that it would become a wedding ring one day when we were both ready. That the ring meant we’d be together forever. I held on to that hope for much longer than I should have, for so long I hoped that you would realise I could be enough for you. You were my one and only and I thought I was yours, but I found out I was just one of many over the years. I don’t know how I ever realised. Our relationship was never as perfect as I liked to believe it was. Sure, we went out on dates and we still made each other laugh, we lived together and to anyone from the outside looking in we were the perfect couple. We were happy but you were never as in love with me as I was with you. There was one text that I saw but I didn’t want to believe that it was what I thought so I never brought it up and just tried to forget. Then I came home early from a trip. I wanted to surprise you but instead I walked in on you dancing in the kitchen as the sun started to rise. That was our thing it always seemed special but I guess you did it with everyone. I grabbed the bags I had dropped and I ran, I don’t think you even knew I was there until the door slammed behind me.  I drove to the pier and I cried. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore, until my eyes were so red and puffy and my eyesight so foggy that I could barely see.  That night as I cried I wonder why I was never good enough for you, why you had to cheat on me. Why her and not me? Was she more beautiful than me? Did you prefer her the way her chestnut brown locks bounced on her shoulders or was it her perfect figure? Was my body no longer good enough for you, was I ever good enough for you? I sobbed even harder as I realised we would never het the future we had planned since high school. We would never work together until we were grey and vacation together while we were old and fragile. We would never make any new memories together. Never again would we dance in the kitchen until the bright light of the moon was replaced by the dull glow of the early morning sun. The promise ring would never become a wedding ring. That night I threw away the ring and i wrote my first poem that wasn’t about love. I couldn’t read that poem today even if I wanted to and it’s not only because of the tear stains that smudged the writing. It is because the most painful thing I can do is remember any of the times we were happy together because then I just remember that as much as you said you did, you didn’t love me at all. Not even a little bit. 


I'm James!

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